How does my husband and I get along better when we are apart and living apart?

When your husband tells you that he is leaving and moving away for a while, there is a real tendency to assume that because of this, your relationship is going to deteriorate. She worries us that things are awkward or cold between us. He worries us about fighting more and connecting less.

However, this does not always happen. Some couples find that they actually get along much better during the separation. Some get along so well that they try to reconcile, assuming they will continue to mesh well once they move back in. But the magic isn’t always there when they come back to live together. And it can be hard to figure out why.

Someone might ask, “Why does my husband and I actually get along and seem to like each other so much better when we don’t live together? My husband was the one who decided he wanted to move out. Honestly, I fought him.” very hard on this. My parents are divorced and ‘living apart for a while’ is totally how their divorce started. My dad said that he would just move out for a while and then come back. Of course, he never came. My parents divorced shortly after. So I panicked when my husband wanted to leave. I figured that would mean a safe divorce. absolutely open to getting together regularly and when we did, it was almost like we were dating again. We enjoy each other’s company. We laughed like we hadn’t in years. So of course, after a while, I pushed him to move. And it was a disaster, it was like turning back the clock and revisiting our fights. So he finally moved back in and the transformation took place again. We get along wonderfully only when we’re not living together. But when we try to go back, everything falls apart once more. Because?”

I can only give you what are essentially opinions and theories. And this just comes from listening to other people who have been through it and seeing recurring themes. My husband and I really struggled to have a good time during our separation, especially in the beginning. But I think some couples find improvements for a couple of reasons.

A breakup is often the first real break you’ve had: Sometimes people behave on their best behavior during a separation because they don’t want to lose their spouse and they want the separation to go well. Also, there is often less tension as both people are no longer living under the stressful situation that caused the separation in the first place.

But things don’t always change: Because of this pause in tension, it’s easier to get along and connect without the weight of living together with stress-causing issues. And while it’s wonderful to have an improvement after you move, this improvement sometimes leads people to think they don’t need to address or change anything. They are having such a good time that they reason that if they were to move now, the good times would continue.

Of course, they soon realize that nothing has really changed. Once they move back together, they follow the same life, the same marriage, the same script, the same course of conflict, and the same lack of resolution.

No wonder it’s the same as always. When they no longer lived together, they no longer faced conflict on a regular basis. And of course, if you put people under the same roof, there is no way to avoid conflict. And it’s not always easy living with another person. Anyone who has ever had a roommate of any kind can tell you.

None of this means you can’t fix it. (By the way, there are some couples who live apart full-time who are quite happy with this arrangement. There are marriages that thrive this way. But it only works if both people want it.)

Things you might want to try: There are a couple of things you might want to try before you start to believe that you and your husband will never successfully live together. Wait a longer period of time before trying to move back in together. Identify the triggers that make it difficult to live together and work tirelessly to address and then fix them. Sometimes you can’t fix this yourself, which is where advice comes in if you need it. This is your marriage we’re talking about, which means it’s worth giving yourself permission to do whatever it takes to save it.

Once you think you’ve solved your problems, don’t come back suddenly or out of the blue. Start with just a few days at a time or on the weekends. When you’re successful with that, lengthen the time your spouse stays until he feels like you’re living together again and is confident that it will really work out this time.

If you are following this gradual method and a conflict arises, don’t be discouraged. Be glad you saw these roadblocks and now you have a chance to fix them before I return full time. Whenever something comes up, fix it, until there are long stretches together where you are successful.

Do this for long enough and the process becomes easier and more seamless so that when he returns, you both can be sure that it will really work for the long haul.