How to be an advocate for your child without becoming too pushy

Finding the perfect balance between being an advocate and being overly pushy and demanding can be a difficult task for parents of children with special needs. Here are some tips to make it a little easier.

1. Be honest about your child’s abilities and needs. If she goes to a team meeting demanding that her son, who can’t walk, be the star at the next dance recital, he may not get to where she really wants to be. Likewise, if they are finally starting to use their words and are never asked to use them in class, it might be a good time to talk.

2. Be courteous. It sounds simple, but it can be extremely difficult when you feel like your child is getting the shaft. Sometimes making a less direct statement (I feel like… It seems…) can seem less confrontational and help you get the answers you’re looking for.

3. Communicate. While you may feel that you are being clear about your needs for your child, the other side may not interpret it as such. Checking in, following up, and chatting with people other than when you need something or have a problem can really make a world of difference.

4. Say you’re sorry. A sincere apology can go a long way when you’ve crossed the line into stupidity. The people who work with your child know that he loves them and they know that he wants the best. Letting them know you’re aware of your own intensity can really help smooth things out (donuts can help, too).

5. Be prepared to commit. Many professionals would give their child the sun, moon, and stars if they could afford it. Unfortunately, many are working on an incredibly tight budget. Know your priorities going in, and be willing to give up some things that are less important. Being willing to give a little of yourself shows that you are a team player and that you can help them work within their own constraints.

6. Stay focused. This can also be said so as not to lose sight of the prize. It’s easy to get distracted by every little problem along the way. This doesn’t mean you should ignore other concerns, but if you want more physical therapy, go for it. Don’t get bogged down with so many targets that your true target gets lost in the mix.

7. Be helpful. Please continue to work with your child at home. Some people get so involved in promoting that they forget about the daily work that also needs to be done. Showing that you are fully committed and walking the walk, as well as talking for the sake of talking, can really make an impact on others.

8. Give others the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes what we hear is not really what people are saying. Professionals go to great lengths to state issues and concerns as they see them in the best and most accessible terminology possible. Sometimes these are not the words a parent wants to hear. It does not mean that the professional is willing to “get” his son. It can mean that they don’t have all the information, that they have a bigger plan that they’re not phrasing well, or that they’re just having a day where they can’t say things in a way that makes sense to you.

9. Ask questions. Sometimes expressing your concern in the form of a question makes light of what you really mean. Saying “I don’t think you have the right vision for my son” can be interpreted as aggressive, but saying “Can you tell me where you see this plan in the next five years?” it can help clarify what others are saying without getting confused. as average

10. Say thank you. Nothing makes people want to continue working with you than a genuine thank you at the end of the day. A little note to thank someone for listening to your concerns, a word of passing to someone who went the extra mile, or a letter to a supervisor can mean a lot to the people who work with your child. It doesn’t have to be huge. Even if you didn’t get everything you hoped for, letting people know you appreciate their efforts can earn you “points” for the next issue. It shows that you are a team player and that you understand how hard others are working to achieve the goals you have.

The balance between defender and something stronger can be very difficult. Being assertive but not aggressive can make others aware of your goals and objectives without making them defensive and resistant to teamwork. In the end, it makes things even better for your child (and, in turn, for you)!

©R. wellman 2011