Nicknames for Babies and/or Sloths: A Top Ten List

1. Molasses – Perfect for a sloth due to its slow and lethargic movements. It is also perfect for an obese baby or a baby who is borderline stupid.

2. Champion – A good general nickname that applies to both girls and boys. You may have heard someone say to your son or daughter, “Way to go, champ” or “That’s my champ!” This nickname is also applied to sloths. I was once at the zoo in the sloth section and heard an old lady say, “That’s a slow champ.”

3. Lil Man – This one is for babies of the male variety. Lil is short for little. It would apply to a sloth if it bore a creepy resemblance to a goblin.

4. Mrs. Hugs: This is a nice nickname for a sloth who likes to hug everyone and everything in an awkward and scary way.

5. Poopy Pants or Poppy Pants: This nickname applies to chronically loud pooping babies and lazy people who make a living smuggling heroin up their pants.

6. Princess – For cute looking little babies and especially the ones in cute pink outfits. This nickname is suitable for the type of female sloth who hates to move and prefers other, dumber sloths to bring them food and drink. Also applies to lazy males with a preference for other males that are training and have 6-packs.

7. Pookie: A great general nickname for babies. It alludes to a baby with a peculiar personality and who is always poking his nose into everything and getting into trouble. Also, this nickname would be suitable for sloths who always push their sleeping and unsuspecting friends off their branches and to certain death 20 meters below.

8. Homeboy: This is for the lazy on the dangerous side. A sloth with this nickname would not hesitate to spit in your face as a reward for entering his territory.

9. Turtle: Perfect for a sloth with a strange shell-like growth on its back or an ugly reptile-like baby.

10. Cutie: Fit for a baby who just did something cute or out of the ordinary. On the other hand, this nickname is good for a male sloth who likes to impress the ladies by running two tenths of a second before passing out from exhaustion.