First dates: I have to have more cowbell
First, if you’re unfamiliar with the classic Saturday Night Live piece that inspired the title of this week’s newsletter, grab five and enjoy the video courtesy of YouTube. The keywords “cowbell” and “Will Ferrell” should help you find it quickly.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why so many first dates go wrong. Based on some of the emails I get, you’d think the concept of a first date going well is about as rare as a running ’86 Yugo. Are half of us really that poor at making a good first impression? Or is it the OTHER half of us that are so unreasonable in our expectations?
Here is exactly as bad as it gets. I can seriously tell you that I think most of us are BOTH. “C: All of the above.” Ironically, these days people want immediate gratification even when the concept of “customer service” is all but extinct. So in a world of short attention spans and expectations of disappointment, we date people. Assuming we have enough integrity to show up rather than get discouraged, we expect to be “entertained” even when we feel perfectly free to leave our “A Game” hanging in the locker.
We’re going on dates, but we’re just not “bringing” it. And to complicate matters, thanks to online dating, many of us are going on more first dates than ever with people we haven’t even MET before. In such situations, “go big or go home” takes on a new meaning.
So, like Christopher Walken, “I’ve got a fever. And the only prescription is more cowbell.”
Here are eight ways we fail to do our best on first dates:
1) Lack of communication… AT ALL
Maybe you are nervous. Maybe I’m playing it conservative so as not to “mess it up”. But if it takes four dentists, two rocket scientists, and a toddler to pull words out of your mouth when you’re sitting across from someone, just don’t come complaining when the date isn’t progressing the way you want. .
2) Interview questions
This is obvious and you’ve heard it a million times before, right? Yeah, well, the problem is, WE’RE STILL DOING IT anyway. So instead of repeating the problem for the seventy-eleventh time, here’s a handy solution: Take careful note of anything interesting you see or read on date day. When you meet the person, start a conversation casually using the topics you’ve already spent time preparing to talk about. Joke around a bit, whether you’re a man or a woman. Use the “joking” skills you’ve learned. When you start hearing “I’ve known you for ten minutes, but it’s like we’ve known each other for years,” then you know you’re on the right track.
3) I don’t feel like being here
In fact, I’ve heard horror stories where someone’s date actually SAID this at the beginning of the date. Look at it. That is practically equivalent to soft dating terrorism. “Hello, A. I’m B. I really don’t want to be here. No, seriously, I have better things to do.” You know, I’m starting to think that getting discouraged with someone at the last minute, or even jilting them, isn’t as bad as it sounds.
4) Entertainment
Can you leave your cell phone for the duration of the appointment? Can you control it? Can you trust that the house is not on fire? Better yet, can you carry on a conversation without wasting time?
5) mentally detached
I’m going to stack “tired”, “stressed” and “worried” in this category. Appointments that occur over lunch or at the end of a work day are particularly prone to “squeeze sickness.” If you’re not fully there, you’re not, well… you’re not fully there. At least that’s what the other person will be forced to assume. This can even go so far as to scare someone, which we all know should never happen.
6) Rushed
Yes, you can go as far as wanting to be on the date. You may have even had a good night’s sleep and a caffeine fix. But if you’re trying to shoehorn a planned 2 hour experience into 25 minutes because “something came up” then you’re stacking the deck against anything good that comes out of the date. At least the test is abbreviated, right?
7) Apathetic towards appearance
Emily told me about this recently. She did notice, and I agree, that people in general are much more arrogant about how they dress and clean themselves than they used to be. Perhaps the “business casual” revolution has turned into the “post-casual” debacle. You sure don’t want to telegraph some needed fixation on “impressing” someone. But that has nothing to do with the concept of not making any effort to look good.
8) focused on sex
Objectifying your quote early and often invariably leads to an indifferent response. And no, this isn’t necessarily a purely male phenomenon anymore (as if it ever really was). Stop focusing on sexuality and start turning on masculinity or femininity and you will discover life-changing secrets to getting a second date. If this doesn’t make sense, email me.
Remember, this once again, as is often the case around here, comes down to serving what you want. Are you waiting to meet interesting people who really attract you? Stop showing up to appointments expecting to be “entertaining” and start focusing on being great. I have to have more cowbell, honey.