Married life: American and Japanese (watch your language)

Good communication is an invaluable tool in the skill arsenal of every successful leader. It is also a cornerstone in every successful marriage. As a couple grows physically and emotionally, so does their ability to communicate their needs and their ability to create real conflict resolution.

The problem arises when you and your spouse do not fully understand each other. This may seem strange to some and I can imagine others are completely stumped. How and why would you marry someone you can’t talk to? Although I’m sure that happens, what I mean is that many foreigners are able to speak good English, but often get confused by slang or very casual English.

Due to the fact that the English language is something that lives and breathes, so to speak, it evolves and morphs with each new generation. It’s hard enough for native English speakers to keep up with new slang and terms, it seems a bit unfair to ask someone learning to also retain slang and text shortcuts like lol, tbh, btw, fyi, idk, etc. . ..

Practice patience! Sometimes you will have to spell it out or rephrase your sentence. Early in my marriage, my husband and I argued over some very simple miscommunications.

I’ll offer two short sentences that Americans use frequently, but we don’t really think about the weight of their perceived meaning.

“I don’t care” When Americans use this phrase in a passive tone it is to vocalize a general indifference or it is used as another way of saying “I don’t care” “you can do that”.

Unfortunately for foreigners (particularly those who come from less informal cultures like Japan) this phrase seems to suggest that the American doesn’t care about something they consider important and is therefore being rude.

I mention this particular sentence because a three year old feud broke out between my mother and my husband. The Japanese have a lot of demons and stories based on grudges because I personally believe that the Japanese can hold grudges like no one else.

A similar phrase “It doesn’t matter” or any variation in American culture is often used as a way to comfort someone who is upset about something that may seem insignificant to most. For example, if someone is upset about a low score on a test, her friends may try to help by saying that a test doesn’t really matter. This is similar to “don’t worry about the little things”, “it’s no use crying over spilled milk” or “what’s done is done”…etc…

Again, some foreigners may take these phases more as an insult than an attempt to comfort them. Many Japanese men (in particular) tend to overanalyze what Americans would consider minor problems. They often worry about all the little details in life and can become defensive if they feel that someone close to them (their partner) is belittling their concerns.

What should you do if you and your partner are already arguing?

I have found that asking my husband a series of questions as calmly as possible often helps me figure out where the misunderstanding is stemming from. Most of the time, he or I just misinterpret the meaning. Other times we realize that we have another cultural barrier to overcome.