I can’t seem to stop making nasty and sarcastic comments about my husband’s cheating. And now that?

Sometimes I hear from wives who have a hard time keeping quiet about their husband’s affair. This can be true even when the adventure is long over and a fair amount of time has passed. Many times wives really want to move on but can’t seem to and one way this shows up is when they constantly make snide comments about their husband and her affair.

I recently heard from a wife who said, “My husband’s affair ended over a year ago. I should have processed it more than I have now. We’re trying to save our marriage and move on. I’m really committed to doing it, but I don’t always act like it. I always find myself making mean, sarcastic, sarcastic comments to my husband about his affair. For example, if he calls to tell me he got caught at work, I’ll say something like, ‘I sure did. How do I even know it’s true? ??’ Or, if he looks at another woman, I’ll say ‘is she your next fling?’ One last example is if my husband compliments me in any way, I’ll say something like, ‘Yeah sure, I bet that’s what you were thinking about me when you slept with someone else.’ I know these comments are unnecessary and only make things worse, but I just can’t seem to stop myself.”

Boy, I understand this problem. And it’s not weird. I would say that there is a rare wife who doesn’t make at least a few sarcastic comments or occasionally bring up the issue. You can’t be expected to never worry or mention it again. But, when it becomes almost obsessive or you feel like it’s really causing problems or making the situation worse, then it’s time to address it, which I’ll try to help you do below.

Ask yourself if you keep commenting because of unresolved issues: Often when you find yourself unable to make those little snarky comments, it’s not because you’re an evil person or because you’ll never heal or get over it. Instead, these comments may arise because you have questions or concerns about issues that keep coming up. Still don’t trust your husband? Are you still worried that he is not sorry or sorry enough? Is it a concern that he will cheat again? Are you worried that he is telling little white lies that will lead to bigger lies, like more infidelity?

Because very often, your comments are a way of trying to get a reaction or response from your husband. And many times, you hope that this answer will guide you towards the change that you have been wanting but have not yet seen.

What to do if you want to stop constantly commenting on the matter: As I mentioned before, ask yourself if your feedback is the result of unresolved issues, and then try to resolve those issues. If you can do this, the comments may stop, or at least slow down.

However, they are still a problem. Then try these strategies to get some relief. Pause each time a comment occurs to you, and then stop for a second and ask yourself what you really want to say. For example, a comment like “Sure, you think I’m pretty. Is that why you cheated on me?” it could be a front for concerns like: is he still attractive and committed to me? Can I trust you to tell me the truth?

You may want to find a time when you can freely say what you really want to ask. That way, those comments that are really trying to ask or express something else won’t need to come out as much. If all else fails, train yourself to pause, count to 10, or change the subject when tempted to comment. Then ask yourself if you could ask the question you really want to ask or if your comment was really intended to vent or serve some purpose.

Please do not get me wrong. I understand the temptation and even the need to make these comments. And I know how it feels to not be able to stop or control them. But I also know that they are really useless, other than to sustain pain and frustration. I also know that you can learn different behaviors that are more productive for you and your marriage.